Clueless...

Ok yeah... now what?
Seriously, I have a lot of dieting books:
The Zone? The South Beach Diet? Body for Life? I have no idea what to do now.
The Cabbage Soup Diet? The garlic and papaya diet? The stand-on-your-head-and-stop-eating Diet? Weight Watchers? Slim Fast?
I know I need a balanced diet, but I also need something that will make me lose those pounds fast or I will not stand it. I know myself, I have very little patience.
Something else- I HATE water, I just can't drink it. What should I do to make it at least palatable?? Any alternatives?
I'm just... clueless.